Daily check-ins might feel like a tall order during the holidays, when to-do lists are longer than ever, but Charlie and Linda maintain that taking the time to connect with your partner in a meaningful way, every day, is well worth the effort.
“People are often so busy and distracted that they don’t stop to check in with each other,” Linda says, “but it’s critically important. You have to have some meditative pauses in your day.”
Find a way to check in that fits who you are as a couple—it might be cuddling, or walking the dog, or having morning coffee together and chatting about the day ahead. Even very brief check-ins of a minute or two can make a difference. if you really show up and connect with each other. “These things can really build that bond of connection,” Linda says.
Honor your differences.
Navigating differences is part and parcel of all relationships, but differences can show themselves more acutely at holiday time. More frugal partners may want to put a cap on gift shopping sooner than more lavish spenders. Extroverted partners might be psyched to attend every party, while introverted ones feel overextended. When differences emerge, conflicts are bound to arise. And when that happens, people often sit on angry feelings, or express them hurtfully.
“We find a lot of people don’t manage differences well,” Linda says. “They suck it up; they hold grudges; they get resentful; they speak disparagingly. When we interview happy couples, though, we find that they respect their differences. They’ve learned how to speak without blame and judgment. That requires cultivating the courage to speak your truth, and the self-discipline to make sure it lands gracefully. It means learning to speak with tact and diplomacy.”
Stress levels can be higher during the holidays not only because we have more to do, but also because of the family dynamics that come into play. Visits with in-laws can cause tension. Differences in parenting styles can, too. When partners express dissatisfaction with one another, sparks can fly.
“It’s difficult to resist the impulse to interrupt, defend yourself, or correct the other person,” Charlie says. “When we hear something intolerable, we want to remedy the feeling of pain or anger or fear. We want to shut the other person up because we’re triggered. We want to shoot the messenger.”
Charlie admits to having been guilty of this. “It took me a while, but I eventually realized that it’s possible to express anger without denigrating or threatening the other person. which generally tends to just make things worse. When I finally saw the effect that my reactivity was having on Linda, it touched my heart.”
Linda suggests closing your mouth and putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. “See if you can feel what your partner is feeling,” she says. “Put your own feelings temporarily aside, and see if you can relate to the other person’s experience."
Charlie encourages reactive partners to stop and ask themselves, "What is it that I felt just before I interrupted my partner?” Recognizing what triggers us enables us to interrupt an impulse towards defensiveness which can prevent a slide down the rabbit hole."
But whether you struggle with empathy or with understanding your triggers, make an effort—after that awkward exchange at the holiday dinner table—to give your partner your full attention before jumping in with your point of view. “Keep in mind that silently listening doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree. It’s important that your partner feels the he or she has been heard before offering your perspective,” Charlie says.
Find out from your partner how you can best love them right now.
“People tend to give love the way they want to be loved, but what lights one person up can be a turnoff to another,” Linda says. According to her, the juiciest question you can ask your partner is, “How may I best love you?”
According to relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five main ways people like to receive love: touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts.
In the season of gift-giving, consider what will make your partner feel most loved. A piece of jewelry or the latest high-tech gadget? A massage after holiday shopping? A getaway weekend for just the two of you? Cleaning the house before the guests come? Or a card with a love letter inside? If you’re not sure, it’s okay to ask.
“People who are accomplished in relationships,” says Linda, “live with curiosity and wonder. They’re generous about stretching into their partner's world.”
Help your partner to fulfill their desires.
“Most of us have secret dreams that we fear we’ll never actualize in our lives,” says Linda, “but if we have someone who supports us in manifesting those dreams, their fulfillment becomes much more likely."
As a holiday ritual (or anytime), Charlie and Linda recommend that couples use their imaginations and write down their individual visions for an optimal life. “The visions don’t have to be identical—bring them together and look for overlap,” Linda says.
The Blooms say that when couples become each other’s “believing eyes”—seeing and reflecting back each other’s strength, beauty, and gifts, it brings them closer together. “When you support each other in creating a dream, you deepen the bond of trust.” Linda says.
Charlie believes that great relationships are like genius—1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. While there might be more perspiration during the holiday season, investing in your relationship can bestow a cornucopia of priceless gifts.
“The bonanza of benefits is more than you can imagine,” Linda says. “A great relationship is like a bomb shelter. When you have a bonded, intimate partnership, you have a buffer and an insulator. This doesn’t necessarily prevent adversity from your life, but it enables you to deal with life’s inevitable challenges and difficulties.The peace of mind when you experience when you’re loved for who you are, is the real jackpot!